I'm hiding from life.
Let's go have coffee.
*Me, to anyone who will listen.
can we stop screwing around and just build the entire plane out of black box? we have the technology
Nothing triggers me to move faster than a tickling sensation on my bare skin because it makes more sense to believe it's a death spider and not a loose hair.
”Hur ska alla få tillgång till en bra vård?”
Det går inte.
I had a long list of traits I sought when I was younger.
Now I have two.
Make me laugh.
Don't make me feel invisible.
The truth is, most days I’m trying really hard to survive myself.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I miss the days when people said, “I’m gonna take you to pound town” and it meant something.
Child: *excitedly* Ass eaters!
Teacher: er, ......... for the last time those fish are called bottom feeders!
If by "date," you mean swing by Wendy's for six chocolate cookies then fall asleep in front of the Pokemon movie, then buddy, I'm already four cookies ahead of you.
There's not a lot more annoying than an overplayed song you hate come on the radio and you can't stop that toe from tapping..
Next bunghole who comments on my tweets for suggestions on what wording I should have used will get muted and/or up to blocked depending on the level of fuckwad they throw my way.\
I miss the squirrels these days when they’re always at the beach.
doctor: your husband's gone to a better place
wife: [sobbing] really
doctor: yes [placing hand on shoulder] in europe healthcare is free
You ever just wanna, I dunno, save all the animals from selfish human behavior?
Daughter: "I don't want a chicken burger. I just want the chicken and the cheese and the ketchup.
Me: "So not the bread"?
Daughter: "...and the bread."
Me:
I told nostalgia the elevator was full but it squeezed in anyway. I planned to get off two floors early and it pressed all the buttons. I went to the wrong meeting and it presented strong fourth quarter earnings. I gave up and ordered two martinis. I was my business.
Cry me a river
Burp me a mountain
Cough me a cloud
Hiccup me a hillside
Fart me a forest
Our savage gang prowls your city at night, performing guerilla acts of kindess, leaving signs of goodness in places you’re not looking yet.
Me: I’d like to join the frequent restroom users club.
Doctor: Urine
I’ve reheated this coffee up so many times it’s starting to taste like Chernobyl.
Mood: What unnecessary crap can I buy off Amazon today?
On a business trip again, and I mistakenly brought the kids’ travel toothpaste.
Now I have clean teeth in my smile, a bubblegum taste in my mouth, and a lump in my throat.
Get out loser, I never told you to get in in the first place
It's 2019; I think it's time we start calling them merhousekeepers.
[my experimental submarine begins to take on water 2,000 feet under the sea/I pull up the high-tech satellite comms for final words to loved ones and anyone who may find my last, heartfelt message]
Me [violently typing during Yelp review]: 1/5 this sushi place is bullshit
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Let's go have coffee.
*Me, to anyone who will listen.
can we stop screwing around and just build the entire plane out of black box? we have the technology
Nothing triggers me to move faster than a tickling sensation on my bare skin because it makes more sense to believe it's a death spider and not a loose hair.
”Hur ska alla få tillgång till en bra vård?”
Det går inte.
I had a long list of traits I sought when I was younger.
Now I have two.
Make me laugh.
Don't make me feel invisible.
The truth is, most days I’m trying really hard to survive myself.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I miss the days when people said, “I’m gonna take you to pound town” and it meant something.
Child: *excitedly* Ass eaters!
Teacher: er, ......... for the last time those fish are called bottom feeders!
If by "date," you mean swing by Wendy's for six chocolate cookies then fall asleep in front of the Pokemon movie, then buddy, I'm already four cookies ahead of you.
There's not a lot more annoying than an overplayed song you hate come on the radio and you can't stop that toe from tapping..
Next bunghole who comments on my tweets for suggestions on what wording I should have used will get muted and/or up to blocked depending on the level of fuckwad they throw my way.\
I miss the squirrels these days when they’re always at the beach.
doctor: your husband's gone to a better place
wife: [sobbing] really
doctor: yes [placing hand on shoulder] in europe healthcare is free
You ever just wanna, I dunno, save all the animals from selfish human behavior?
Daughter: "I don't want a chicken burger. I just want the chicken and the cheese and the ketchup.
Me: "So not the bread"?
Daughter: "...and the bread."
Me:
I told nostalgia the elevator was full but it squeezed in anyway. I planned to get off two floors early and it pressed all the buttons. I went to the wrong meeting and it presented strong fourth quarter earnings. I gave up and ordered two martinis. I was my business.
Cry me a river
Burp me a mountain
Cough me a cloud
Hiccup me a hillside
Fart me a forest
Our savage gang prowls your city at night, performing guerilla acts of kindess, leaving signs of goodness in places you’re not looking yet.
Me: I’d like to join the frequent restroom users club.
Doctor: Urine
I’ve reheated this coffee up so many times it’s starting to taste like Chernobyl.
Mood: What unnecessary crap can I buy off Amazon today?
On a business trip again, and I mistakenly brought the kids’ travel toothpaste.
Now I have clean teeth in my smile, a bubblegum taste in my mouth, and a lump in my throat.
Get out loser, I never told you to get in in the first place
It's 2019; I think it's time we start calling them merhousekeepers.
[my experimental submarine begins to take on water 2,000 feet under the sea/I pull up the high-tech satellite comms for final words to loved ones and anyone who may find my last, heartfelt message]
Me [violently typing during Yelp review]: 1/5 this sushi place is bullshit
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
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