Set my alarm to guv'nor this morning.

A family member made fun of my clip on sunglasses and I am too old to be upset about it.

My daughter just tried to catch her fart with her hand. I do not know what she is going to do with it and I do not want to know. 

It is one of those feminine mysteries.

Your stupidity never fucking ceases, huh? It’s impressive, really.

Plot twist: You’re the creepy one not your reply guy.

Forgive and forget sounds nice, but to save time I go straight to forgetting.

Was my wife's birthday yesterday - Nooo... I did not forget - She did

A new study says morning exercise leads to more weight loss. For some of us just getting up, coffered, shaved, showered and dressed is about all we have time and energy to do most week days.

You know what else releases endorphins?

CHEESE!

Sorry I chased you down and tried to get your attention at that red light. I wanted to inform you that your white, leather, driving gloves really bring out the green of your mini van.

You think feelings are a form of weakness, you are terrified to be vulnerable. Little do you know, that is where the magic happens.

So far I have no notion what Scottish people are like since I can barely understand a native word!

Some may not know but I am a liberal snowflake feminist but fuck, people some things are just jokes. I don’t have my 15 year old pick up drunk me and Uber me home. It’s a joke FFS. 

I have my 20 year old Uber me home when I’m drunk. 

Lighten the fuck up.

Big sale at the dad store

Dollar a pop

My family arranging my open casket funeral: 

Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her resemble this? 

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

At a Devo audition: Whip It Good, Crack That - Umm... the pot goes on your head... dude

Third rule of woman club:

If he does not adjust his attitude accordingly during your menses try planning family get togethers during the World Stanley Bowl Series.

People who want to live forever are the real psychopaths

Hors d'oeuvre? Should be More d’oeuvre because i would sure like some more pigs in a blanket

When you are so fatigued of trying to help someone else find their own light, yours dim with exhaustion.

The love that makes you pack a bug-out bag.

Woke up filled with the rage of a million offended millennials.

Secret Agent is not in my idiom. Secret archivist maybe. Secret Actuary if the math isnt too hard.

Out of Office Alert: I am technically in the office today but lets just be cool and pretend that I am not

My wife came home with a new bob haircut...so, I’m assuming she’s an Aon sales rep now.

There is an unmarked law enforcement vehicle parked off to the side behind my neighbor’s house........ just sitting there in my line of sight from where I am chillin’ on my patio.

I feel eyes on me. Did I make too many jokes about killing people?

I might need bail money.

Its 2019 and I still do not have a swipe-y swipe computer like Tom Cruise in Minority Report.

When you love someone, you simply cannot play with her heart.

7: mummy if you had a superpower what would it be?

Me: appearing to be sober before I put you all to bed

just vote in the person with the biggest face, simple. If god did not want them to lead us he would not have made their face so big

It was not my appendix or an aneurysm, so I guess tomorrow then, again.

i just analyze stuff

~Gopal Chandu